Interview with a Pirate
Interviewer: "So, Mr. Pirate . . . what is the 19th letter of the alphabet?"
Interviewer: "No, sorry, 'R' is the 18th letter. The 19th letter of the alphabet is 'S'. Next question – Native to South America, this toothless mammal eats ants. What is it?"
Pirate: "Arr. Dvark."
Interviewer: "No, sorry. While the aardvark does, indeed, eat ants, it also has teeth, and is native to Africa, not South America. We were looking for 'Anteater'. Next question – Best Dudley Moore movie?"
Interviewer: "Ooh, that's close, but '10' is usually considered to be just a wee bit better. Next question – What kind . . ."
Pirate (interrupting): "Arr! This be no interview, ye mangy cur!"
Interviewer: "Beg pardon?"
Pirate: "This be no interview! This be just a series of pointless questions chosen only for the likelihood of them eliciting a response from me that include the sound 'Arr'. Ill-conceived and poorly executed, it be no more than a base insult to me and me pirate-friends and, most likely, arises from your sycophantic need to write something – ANYTHING – that has to do with pirates, simply so you can jump on the overloaded 'Pirates of the Caribbean'
bandwagon and pretend to be the slightest bit hip and topical."
Interviewer: "I see. What kind of socks do pirates like best?"
Pirate: ". . ."
Pirate: "Ya' scurvy dog! Weren't ye listening to a word I said? How 'bout I just run ye through with me cutlass, then? Arr!"
Pirate: "No, that's 'Arr!'"
[Filed Under: Pirates]
Scenes Cut from Superman Returns
- After exposure to kryptonite, Superman displays complete lack of appetite. Minutes later, despite kryptonite-laced condiments, Superman wins Intergalactic Hot Dog-Eating Contest.
- After exposure to kryptonite, Superman tearfully admits to Lois he can't read. Minutes later, Superman finishes reading fourth Harry Potter book (printed with kryptonite ink).
- After exposure to kryptonite, Superman whines about being a girl from the wrong side of the tracks in love with high school hunk Blane McDonnagh (played by Andrew McCarthy). Minutes later, with the help of his best friend Duckie (Jon Cryer), Superman wins Blane's heart wearing his home-made pink dress (despite the best efforts of kryptonite-hearted James Spader).
- After exposure to kryptonite, Superman displays a complete lack of rhythm and the inability to perform even the most rudimentary of dance moves. Minutes later, despite kryptonite-sequined vest, Superman replaces Deney Terrio as host of Dance Fever.
- After exposure to kryptonite, Superman demonstrates inability to herd sheep. Minutes later, Superman herds sheep well enough to earn a begrudging "That'll do, pig," from kryptonite-dusted overalls-clad James Cromwell.
[Filed Under: Superman, Kryptonite]
Story Outline: Chirpy, the Bird Everyone Hated (Inspired by true events)
We meet Chirpy, a bright, beautiful bird with a cheerful attitude. Chirpy visits a number of neighbors (Growl the Bear, Carl the Crabby Crab, etc.) and sings various songs of joy.
Example song: "Chirp chirp chirp. Tweet tweet tweet. Life is good. Life is sweet."
Despite his upbeat message, none of the neighbors respond positively to him. Some just ignore him, while others say mean things about him. Chirpy is saddened by this at first, but decides his neighbors are only acting this way because they lack love in their lives. Determined to bring joy to his neighbors, he steps up his efforts, every day singing longer and louder than before.
His neighbors, though, do not react as he expects. Instead, they shout at him, throw things, and threaten to punch him in the back of his neck.
Depressed, confused, and dejected, he flies off. Landing on a rock, he cries and bemoans the way his neighbors treat him.
The rock turns out to be not a rock – it is Whisper, the wise old turtle to whom everyone turns when they can't find any other solution. He asks Chirpy why he cries, and Chirpy explains how he sings his songs of joy to his neighbors, and how his neighbors reject him, despite his beauty, cheerfulness, and uplifting songs of joy.
Whisper explains that while Chirpy is indeed beautiful, cheerful, and that his songs are truly uplifting, he sings them loudly every morning at 5AM, waking everyone up long before they want to wake up. Whisper tells him how everyone therefore hates Chirpy, and that they've asked him to deal with the problem.
Whisper then punches Chirpy on the back of the neck, killing him. Then he eats Chirpy, slowly.
[Filed Under: Birds]
Recently, I took an informal poll, and found something I consider both startling and disturbing.
Most people I asked typically wash the fruits and vegetables they buy, even if:
1. It seems as though the fruits and vegetables have already been washed.
2. The outsides of the fruits and vegetables are to be removed before cooking or eating.
What's so startling or disturbing about this? Nothing. People should wash fruits and vegetables before eating them, even if they aren't going to eat the outsides. Think of the dirt! Think of the germs! Of course they should be washed!
What is startling and disturbing, then? The fact that people take the time and effort to wash fruit and vegetables, and that such behavior is considered normal, yet no one washes eggs.
[Filed Under: Eggs, Unclean]
I think we need a new rodent holiday. We only have two (not counting controversial ones like Presidents' Day or St. Valentine's Day) and I don't think that's enough.
[Filed Under: Holidays]
|» How to Avoid Getting Punched in the Back of the Neck at Starbucks|
How to Avoid Getting Punched in the Back of the Neck at Starbucks|
1. Do not let your friends cut in front of you when I am behind you in the coffee line.
2. Do not dig for change at the bottom of your purse to pay for your coffee after you order; gather your money together while you are standing in line, or (preferably) before you even get in line.
3. Do not take more than 60 seconds to add cream and sugar to your coffee while blocking anyone and everyone else from adding cream or sugar or getting a napkin because you are taking up all the space and going as slow as death to boot. Dammit.
[Filed Under: Coffee]
|» Ideas for Reality-based Television Shows|
Ideas for Reality-based Television Shows|
Fakin' Bacon: Contestants vie to be judged the most Kevin Bacon-like in various areas, including physical attributes, skills, and talent. Finalists go head-to-head against Kevin Bacon -- who turns out to be a Kevin Bacon impersonator.
Bacon Let Us Tomato: Audience members compete trying to hit Kevin Bacon with the most tomatoes; winner is invited to spend the weekend with him going to assorted parties and events.
Bacon and Legs: Kevin Bacon and Tina Turner sample and discuss fine wines from around the globe.
Bacon and Dregs: Kevin Bacon travels to all-night diners and truck stops, sampling the last few ounces of grounds-infused coffee remaining in their midnight-to-6 A.M. pots and discussing life with the late-night clientele.
Bacon and Megs: Weekly news recap in an informal setting, focusing mainly on politics, featuring Kevin Bacon, Meg Tilly, Meg Ryan, and Megalon (the 180-foot tall insectoid protector god of the underwater city of Seatopia and enemy of Godzilla).
Bacon and Haigs: Zombie clones of Nixon's Chief of Staff Alexander Haig attack and try to eat the brains of guests from television and movies while Kevin Bacon tries to both protect them and interview them about current projects.
[Filed Under: Television Ideas, Kevin Bacon]
|» Another Audition Misunderstanding?|
A Second Note to Anyone Who May Have Misunderstood Key Concepts in My Audition for the "Moron Life" Improvisational Comedy Group of 5/29/06|
Since I have yet to hear from anyone associated with the talented Moron Life Improvisational Comedy Group, I must conclude that either (a) I was not funny enough or (b) you misunderstood what I was doing.
It must have been (b).
I can understand why someone would misunderstand my performance. Someone not knowing me might think I was a run-of-the-mill funny-guy-wannabe, not the experienced and subtle wit I actually am.
I was given a topic: Crunch 'n Munch. Based on this, I portrayed "The Hannibal Lecter of Crunch 'n Munch tasting Crunch 'n Munch for the very first time".
I was then given a second topic: bacon. I then portrayed "The Hannibal Lecter of Bacon tasting bacon for the very first time."
The third (and final) topic I was given: tofu. I portrayed "The Hannibal Lecter of Tofu tasting tofu for the very first time."
Someone who didn't know me might think I missed the point of improvisational comedy, that I didn't understand that doing fundamentally the same thing over and over again is the antithesis of improv.
This would be an incorrect conclusion.
A key part of comedy is doing or saying the unexpected -- and what is more unexpected than doing the exact opposite of what someone expects? Any halfway decent improviser can improvise three different things, but it takes guts and (dare I say it?) comedic genius to twist the whole audition in a new, unexpected direction.
Having explained this additional key concepts that were perhaps somehow overlooked in the chaos of the audition process, my hope is that now my performance can be re-evaluated for artistic and comedic merit.
[Filed Under: Moron Life, Audition, Comedy, Crunch 'n Munch, Bacon, Tofu, Hannibal Lecter]
Not to toot my own horn too much, but just being Max is quite an amazing and extraordinary experience, fraught with indescribable peril and laden with events of incredible import. Lately, though, it's been lacking something.|
I think I need a nemesis.
Not having had a nemesis at any recent time, I'm open to suggestions, recommendations, caveats, etc.
I am also accepting applications.
[Filed Under: Nemesis]
|» Spending Time With Children Survival Tip #17|
I just spent the last few days visiting my niece (Dharma, 6) and nephew (Joss, 3). While they are delightful, well-behaved, and, frankly, practically perfect, trying to keep up with them would kill a normal human. How did I survive?|
Spending Time With Children Survival Tip #17
Suggest a game of hide-and-seek. After the children hide, go to the kitchen and pour yourself a cup of coffee. To make sure they stay hidden long enough for you to drink the coffee, every couple of minutes shout "Well, they aren't in here!" and "I wonder if they might be over ... here!"
[Filed Under: Niece Dharma, Nephew Joss, Spending Time With Children Survival Tip]